Women are fantastic creatures. Pakistani women are no different. But behind every Pakistani woman lurks a dark shadow that feasts on other people’s patience and sometimes the maid’s sanity. Yes, I’m talking about the shadeed chiraandi aurat inside every aurat, the intehai shodi inside every moti and the apa inside every phapa. As a woman, I might have had the same qualities once. I won’t lie. But I somehow realized just how much I was slowly being pulled into the dark side and decided to jump start the Skywalker in me and fly out. But sadly, others, many many others out there, have failed to do so and now crawl restlessly into the warm pits of annoyance. Fear not, for it’s survivors like me who are there to guide you all to the tunnel’s end. Like a motivational speaker at an NGO, I decided to take on the role of making it a point to make women realize their faults and so I give you the following list.
Dupatta orr lein aur shuru karein.
To the one showing off her child’s skills. We get it. Your kid is awesome and has the brains no one his age can match with. But maybe it’s time that you stop boasting about it, because that one story about him having the flu and still getting the 1st position in class, is kind of getting old, monotonous and longer with all the extra bits that you keep on adding at every dawat we see you. Also your child is a brat and he sure as hell doesn’t go to sleep at 11pm. The green dot next to his name on our Facebook is a clear proof of that.
Time is money aunty. Please save yourself the trouble and stop bargaining for meagre 20 Rupees at Rabi Centre. Especially if you are clad in a Khaadi outfit. It doesn’t make you look or sound smart at all.
If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Instead of constantly asking your friends or your husband (who doesn’t even notice you that much anyway) who’ll compliment you just so you stop pestering them, how about you find out your weight on the same machine that you’ve been using to check the load in your suitcases for Amrika?
If it is getting over 35 degrees in Karachi, and your hair is as long as Rapunzel’s, I’ll suggest you tie your hair up. Because you’re not turning heads, you’re only spraying sweat.
Just because it looks good on Imaan Ali on a billboard, doesn’t mean it will look exotic on you too. Make sensible fashion choices.
If she is over 25 and still not getting married, then either you wed her off to your self-proclaimed handsome son without jahez or mind your own business. Similarly if she IS married but does not have kids yet, stop trying to be her gynaecologist and pop a child out of her.
It would be great if you actually make at least one of the dishes that you excitedly learn and make notes of from watching Masala TV.
Your son in 4th grade would do better in school, if only you pay attention and help him with his studies. Instead of sending him to a tuition teacher every day, at 5pm sharp. And guess what? You do not need to own a university degree for this.
Imran Khan buhat acha hai, and the fact that you voted for him makes him even more haseen. But if that’s the only point you’re going to raise every time there is a discussion on politics, then don’t bother giving people your two cents. Also, if it gives you any consolation, we voted for him too.
Ammi, har Sunday biryani mil jae to sehat achi rehti hai.
Ab aap apna dupatta utaar sakti hein. Shukriya.